Finesse Mitchell Stand-Up

-Hey, thank you!
Thank you, thank you. I am so happy to be here. But, uh, I gotta hurry this up,
’cause I told my wife I was taking out the trash,
so I got to get back. You know, I wanted to bring her, but, unfortunately,
my wife is the fun police. And I know a lot of you women
who are in relationships don’t ever think
you can become the fun police, but the Spirit
told me to tell you, y’all become
the fun police, man. Do you know how crazy
guys look when our friends be like,
“Hey, Finesse, let’s go to the sports bar,
and have some beers and catch up
and watch the game,” and then you hear,
“Whoop whoop whoop!” “What was that?” [ Laughter ] “My wife.” [ Laughter ] “She just magically appears
when anybody invite me to try to go have fun
without her.” [ Laughter ] “But she might let me go. Hold on.
Hold on one second. Hey, babe, I’ma hang out with
the fellas at the sports bar and have some beers.
Is that cool?” “That sounds dumb.
Stay with me.” [ Laughter ] “I’m busy.
I can’t go.” [ Laughter ] “But you know what? Y’all go on
and have a good time, man. I’m just gonna hang out here
with my soul mate and stay around her, with
her positive attitude all day.” [ Laughter ] But I’ma keep it real, man. My wife is one thousand.
I love this woman. She is phenomenal, and I’d rather have that
than the alternative. ‘Cause I got a friend who like, “Well, I don’t have to go
through all that, Finesse. My wife let me come and go
as I please. I don’t even tell her
where I’m going. I come home whenever I want to.” And I was like,
“Oh, well… she cheating on you.” [ Laughter ] “‘Cause real love
is asking permission.” [ Laughter ] “And if that don’t work, follow it by
a well-thought-out lie. That’s real love right there.” [ Laughter ] And we don’t want to lie. You know, we don’t want to lie. But sometimes you get an invite, and you just can’t say
the invite as is to your wife. Your boy call you, “Hey,
Finesse, I just got invited to the private party
of the century, and you invited
’cause I’m invited. You know Beyoncé?”
You’re like, “Yeah!” “Well, it’s not her,
but her third cousin Keyoncé Is having the party.
But Beyoncé might come. And if Beyoncé come,
I’ma text you and send you the address. Say whatever you got to say
to get out the house.” I’m like, “Cool!” So by the time you go to your
wife and tell her the invite, it come out more like this. [ Sighs ] “Babe…
Steve called again. Said something about
he lost his job, and… he wanna go meet
at some raggedy bar. Hardly nobody gonna be there. It’s just gonna be me and him, and he just want to, you know,
talk about it ’cause, you know, he going through something.” [ Laughter ] “You know what?
I am so sick of Steve, ‘Cause he always
going through something.” “I know, babe.
It’s crazy. But I’m his only friend,
so I feel like I got to go. You know?” “And you know what?
I don’t know if it’s me or not, but it seem like
he always go through something on a Friday night.” [ Laughter ] “I ain’t even been keeping track
like that, babe. I don’t know.” Beep beep! “Hey hey! Beyon– Beyond me
why he keep calling me, babe. He get on my nerves.” But I tell you what,
married men. We all got a Steve in our life, and we need to figure out
how to either get rid of him, because him and our marriage,
they can’t coexist. Like, even when you
just with your old lady, he will find a way
to mess up a quiet night. You’re on the couch at home.
You’re watching TV. You’re trying
to lay it on thick. You know what I’m saying?
“Hey, babe. You know, you can watch whatever
you want to watch tonight. You can have the remote
because you deserve all that. I’ma be right here with you.” And she already told you
you ain’t going out that night so you just laying it on thick. But then Steve call,
and he already drunk and shouting through the phone. You already know what it is, but you pick up
the phone anyway. “Hello?”
“Hey! There’s women everywhere, and I’m on my way to come get
you, and we coming back!” “Mnh-mnh. You are shouting
through the phone. Everybody can hear you.
You are shouting in the phone.” You start clicking the button
on the side of the phone. You don’t know if you
clicking volume up or down. You’re like, “Hey.
Stop shouting through the phone. Everybody can hear you.” “Oh, well,
take me off speakerphone.” “You are not on speakerphone. You are shouting
through the phone.” “Hey, so you want to go?”
“Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.” “But you always want to go.”
“Mnh-mnh.” “Oh, oh, oh.
Your lady home?” “Mm-hmm.”
[ Laughter ] “She in the room with you?”
“Mm-hmm.” “She looking at you?” [ Laughter ] “Mm-hmm.” [ Laughter ] “Well, tell her
you taking out the trash.” “I said that last week.
I can’t say that again so soon.” [ Laughter ] “Well — Well, put her on
the phone, let me ask her.” “Mnh-mnh! Mnh-mnh.” “She don’t like me, huh?”
“Mnh-mnh.” [ Laughter ] “Well…
I’m in your driveway.” [ Growling ] [ Grumbling ] “Okay.
Let me call you back.” [ Grumbles ] “Babe…”
[ Laughter ] “Steve called again.” [ Laughter ] “His dog died,
and he going through something.” Hey, that’s my time.
My name is Finesse Mitchell. Thank you all.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Come on!
How you doing? ♪♪ Finesse Mitchell right there! Check out his special
on Showtime now!

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