Ryan Hamilton Performs Stand-Up


>>Stephen: MY NEXT GUEST IS A
VERY FUNNY MAN WHO’S BEEN NAMED ONE OF “ROLLING STONE’S” “FIVE
COMICS TO WATCH.” PLEASE WELCOME RYAN HAMILTON. ( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>WOW, THANK YOU! THIS IS NICE. IT’S– IT’S NICE TO TALK TO
PEOPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
I DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY. I DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY ALL DAY,
AND THEN I TALK TO A LOT OF PEOPLE, LIKE, MILLIONS TODAY,
AND THEM I DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY. IT’S A WEIRD WAY TO LIVE. I FEEL LIKE I’M WAKING UP OUT OF
A DEAD SLEEP INTO A SPRINT, YOU KNOW. I’M JASON BOURNING INTO EVERY
CONVERSATION. I TRIED TO CANCEL MY GYM
MEMBERSHIP. YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF A LAZIER
STATEMENT IN YOUR LIFE THAN, “I TRIED TO CANCEL MY GYM
MEMBERSHIP?” YOU CANNOT GET OUT OF THIS. I’VE WALKED OFF STREET GANGS
EASIER THAN CANCELLING GYM MEMBERSHIPS. I CALLED THIS GUY, AND HE SAID,
“IF YOU REALLY WANT TO CANCEL, THERE ARE TWO WAYS.” NO, THERE’S JUST ONE WAY. ( LAUGHTER )
I TELL YOU, AND THEN YOU DO IT. THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE ONLY WAY. WE’RE ACTUALLY HALFWAY DONE
RIGHT NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU WOULD JUST MEET ME IN THE MIDDLE, WE COULD CLOSE THE CASE
ON THIS ONE YOU KNOW. HE SAID, “THE FIRST WAY IS YOU
CAN COME IN AND CANCEL IN PERSON.” NOPE. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S NOT THAT ONE. YOU WANT TO HAVE A MEETING? WHAT IS THAT CONVERSATION GOING
TO BE? “AS YOU CAN SEE I SPENT $2600 ON
FOUR WORKOUTS.” NOW, FROM WHERE I’M STANDING,
THE GROUNDS FOR CANCELLATION ARE PRETTY SOLID, YOU KNOW. I’VE BEEN CRUNCH SOMETHING
NUMBERS OVER HERE, AND I’M ON A QUARTERLY WORKOUT PLAN, AND IT’S
FEELING A LITTLE FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE SO IF YOU COULD
PLEASE JUST LET ME OUT, PLEASE, LET ME OUT. I DON’T USE MY GYM. DO YOU USE YOUR GYM? I WARNED IN EVERY THREE MONTHS
AND GO, “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.” MY ENTIRE WORKOUT THE WHOLE
THING– THIS IS THE DISCIPLINE I HAVE– THE WHOLE THING IS BASED
ON WHATEVER MACHINE IS OPEN. THAT’S HOW I DO IT. I WALK AROUND LIKE A LOST
TODDLER FOR THREE AND A HALF MINUTES, AND THEN I GO, “I GUESS
I’M GOING TO DO NECK TODAY. JUST GOING TO DO ALL NECK.” ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH. I’M JUST GOING TO BANG OUT A FEW
ON THE SCOLIOSIS MACHINE OVER HERE. “HEY, SHOULD I SIGN ANOTHER
WAIVER, BECAUSE THIS FEELS DANGEROUS.” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S ALL I DO. I DO THREE SETS OF NECK, BOTH
SIDES, AND THEN I GO HOME. AND IT COSTS $750. SO IF YOU COULD PLEASE LET ME
OUT, JUST PLEASE. HE SAID, “IF YOU DON’T WANT TO
COME IN AND CANC NEL PERSON, THERE’S A SECOND WAY.” OH, I’M ON PINS AND NEEDLES OVER
HERE. I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT THE
SECOND WAY TO CANCEL MY GYM MEMBERSHIP. THIS IS WHAT HE SAID– “YOU CAN
WRITE A LETTER.” HE DIDN’T LAUGH AFTER HE SAID
THAT. WRITE A LETTER? I WAS FURIOUS. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I DIDN’T SIGN THIS
CONTRACT DURING THE CIVIL WAR. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WE DON’T WRITE LETTERS– I DON’T
EVEN KNOW HOW. DO YOU KNOW HOW? I WAS AT HOME GOOG LING “HOW DO
YOU WRITE A LETTER?” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) “DEAR MY GYM, I FEEL THE TIME
HAS COME FOR US TO PART WAYS. ALTHOUGH YOUR NECK MACHINE HAS
PROVEN CHALLENGING, I FEEL THE COST HAS BECOME EXORBITANT. FURTHERMORE, WE SPOKE ON THE
PHONE ON TUESDAY, AND THIS LETTER IS REDUNDANT. PLEASE LET ME OUT. SINCERELY PRIVATE RYAN T. HAMILTON.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO WRITE A
LETTER IN 2016, THEY’RE BULLYING YOU. THAT’S HOW– I FELT BULLY. I HAD TO BUY 50 ENVELOPES IN
ORDER TO WRITE… ( LAUGHTER )
I DON’T EVEN HAVE LETTER WRITING STUFF. I WAS WANDERING AROUND MY
APARTMENT GOING, “MAYBE I COULD MAKE AN ENVELOPE OUR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT. MAYBE I COULD CULL TOGETHER SOME
OF THESE RAW MATERIAL. BUT I HAVE 49 ENVELOPES LEFT. IT IS A LIFETIME OF ENVELOPES. MY CHILDREN’S CHILDREN WILL HAVE
ENVELOPES. THEY’LL BE TALKING STORIES ABOUT
HOW THEIR GRANDFATHER WALKED TO THE CVS IN A FULL-ON RAGE AND
BROUGHT BACK THIS NOW-TATTERED BOX OF ENVELOPES SO THAT WE
COULD ALSO CANCEL OUR GYM MEMBERSHIPS. AND BY THE WAY, HE HAD TO WALK
BY HIS GYM IN ORDER TO PURCHASE THEM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU’VE BEEN REALLY GREAT. I APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU. ♪ ♪ ♪
>>Stephen: HE’S NOW ON TOUR ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. RYAN HAMILTON, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

100 Replies to “Ryan Hamilton Performs Stand-Up”

  1. Finally I got to see Hamilton. Unlike the tens of thousand people who could not get a ticket! I feel so good. But it wasn´t that spectacular after all….

  2. I came to the comments to inquire as to how many people consider this man begotten of Seinfeld. It's nice to feel like part of a group.

  3. Enough with the comparisons. We all know who he looks and sounds like.. But Richard Pryor was more original now chill 😉

  4. Canceling my gym membership was definitely the most difficult exercise I ever performed at the gym.

  5. They cant just let any random person call them up and cancel a membership. Your creditors would love to be able to do that wouldnt they.

  6. his face is actually 70% of the funny part, I don't mean it in a bad way. Some people just has that face that makes you laugh, or punch depending on the mood.

  7. I always get nervous when comedians guest spot other comedians, but damn I loved this guy! He actually (no sarcasm) didn't make the "I tried to cancel my gym membership" routine sound boring and outdated.

  8. Sadly, I lost interest within the first minute.  From the comments below I hear he got funnier though.  Still, you have to start out strong.

  9. I feel like Colbert must be putting well known but shit comics on his show just for shits and giggles. There's no way he isn't chuckling to himself when introducing this guy as someone who was feature on a list by a hack at Rolling Stone

  10. the audience was veeery kind, this was bland and drawn-out. i can understand playing the colbert show would be very high-pressure, but his delivery didn't falter, so he was performing his material well, but i think the material was weak.. nice to see a comedy set on this show though, please have more on!

  11. Wow – apparently everyone in the comment section is a professional judge on Last Comic Standing. I've seen this guy live and he is hilarious. He definitely has some better bits/sets, but many are acting like he bombed.

  12. The gym he's talking about is Planet Fitness, literally the most inexpensive gym in the world. Man, must be tough to get by as a comedian…

  13. This is the laziest title I've ever seen. C'mon. Did the "Late Show" people watch the routine at all? Why not call it "Ryan Hamilton's 'Dear Gym' Letter"? Act like you care about the performance! Sheesh!

  14. I actually had to get wells fargo involved with fraud with Lifetime because i was in fucking afghanistan and they still gave me the bullshit about having to come in to the gym in person! You can have the bank block charges from them. it's the easiest way to do it, lol.

  15. Reminds me of the Friends episode when Chandler tried to quit the gym and just kept getting roped into more. "I wanna quit the bank!!"

  16. It started off slow, stayed slow and ended slow. I'm not sorry, this guy is trash compared to the other amazing comedians of our era.

  17. I learnt how to write a letter in school and I'm sure people still do. Physical or on emails, it still happens.

  18. This is torture. Looking at his face while listening to his voice is one of the most cringe worthy experiences i have had to go through. On a side note, did he actually think that opening line was a joke?

  19. Fucking boring another lame Seinfeld wheres the George Carlins and bill hicks we used to have cant any new comedians be as good as them have the gangster rap times made us all fucking uncreative?

  20. In college, I once tried to cancel my 24hr Fitness gym membership, but was told that I couldn't cancel my membership on a Tuesday because the person that handles cancellations doesn't work that day. I then returned on a Wednesday and was told to comeback another time because that particular person was on break. F* You 24hr Fitness.

  21. Yeah, if there is ever a film or show chronicling the life of Jerry Seinfeld, this man should get the part. I can even picture him in a puffy shirt! Go back and watch the video again, but imagine Ryan in the puffy shirt from "Seinfeld". It'll all click.

  22. The best part of the gym story, for me, was the last line where he confessed he walked by the gym to buy the envelopes. He could have just done option 1 at that point, but he was in a rage.

  23. I remember randomly finding this comic on youtube and being sad there weren't any more clips. It's nice he's more famous now there'll be more of him.

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