S2 Ep 4 “I’m Sorry, She “Class” passed” – Ryan Hansen


Hey, Han fam.
Just picking up
some fresh grocerinos at one of L.A.’s crazy fancy
grocery stores, where it’s acceptable for stars
to pretend like they eat. Looking for the best serum
to help me lean out and buff up for my “Black Panther”
musical audition. See, in Wakanda, they only
care about two things– hiding their vibranium and showing off
their superhuman pecs. I’m getting this dope-ass
homeopathic bee pollen
for Mathers. Her Western doctors haven’t
been able to wake her up, but this is guaranteed
to do so. Or so says
the Ask A Wiccan subreddit. P.S., fansens,
I need you to keep that
last post between us. I don’t want Vince to find out that I’m trying
to wake up Mathers. I mean, if Vince was there
the night she got shot, why is he lying about it?
Because he shot her? And if Vince did shoot her, what will he do
to keep that a secret? I mean, he is always saying
he’s gonna kill me. Is that buddy cop banter
or enemy cop foreshadowing? I don’t know. Either way, I’ll do
everything in my power to wake up my partner. That’ll be $90. What, seriously? Do you have any non-organic
bee pollen?( theme music playing )( imitating gun cocking )( music playing )( whistling )( police radio chatter )– What is he up to?
– Is that the piece? Ryan: Oh, my God. Is that a gun
in a brown paper bag? – Keep it on the low. Here.
– Oh, thank God for looping. I gotta get the hell
outta here. Ooh. Dude, so sorry. – Wait, Nate?
What are you doing here?
– Hey. My agent has never visited me
on set or a crime scene. – This is so cool.
– Uh, crime scene? Since when did it
become illegal to check in
on my number-one guy? Seriously?
I’m your number-one guy? Come on, who sent you that DM
four days after your birthday? Of course you are, bro. I mean, since Toback,
Spacey, C.K., Charlie Rose, Lauer, Danny Masterson,
and the Bhagwan went down, you’ve always been
my number one. Well, I’m so glad you’re here.
This is really cool. – I actually just
left word for you.
– Yeah? – Um…
– What’s up? My– ( sighs ) Well, I’m just feeling kinda
threatened by my partner. I get it, man.
I mean, she steals
every scene with that Emmy win glow,
but this coma? Cha-ching! You can finally be the star. Wait, are you talking
about Mathers? No, ’cause I’m talking
about my new partner Vince. Uh, yeah, Vince,
your partner. Who’s new.
I totally follow the show. I watch every episode
the week it comes out. Well, it all
comes out at once. And that’s why I block off
nine minutes that day
and watch them all. B.T. dubs, I’m super
sorry Mathers got shot. – Yeah.
– Total tragedy. Though, I gotta say,
the show got a sympathy bump. – Your ratings are way up.
– Hmm. Same thing happened
on “Friends” after Matthew Perry
gained all that weight. Oh. You’re late, Hansen. This– Yeah!
Hey, you must be Vince. – I’m Ryan’s agent, Nate.
– My agent. If you’re ever looking
for “representacionne”… No. What’s up? Impressive.
That card was wax-coated. We got a dead body in there.
I’ll see you inside. – That was intense, huh?
– Yeah. He’s a total loose cannon. – If he ever
tries to hurt you…
– I think he might. …let him.
It could be great
for the show. I actually think
he might kill me. Relax, Ry. I got
a good sense for predators
and he seems okay to me. –( phone rings )
– Oh, Ratner’s calling. Hey, man.
How’s my number-one guy doing? Hey, sorry
about Nate back there. He’s just looking out ’cause
I’m his number-one client. His terrible business
decisions is his problem. What? No way.
Dude, Nate is crushing it. Okay, in 2009, he was
one of “Variety’s”
Best Dressed Agents to Watch. They don’t just let anyone
be photographed next to a ladder
and a bunch of apple boxes. Uh-huh.
So, preliminary assessment says the body shows
signs of poisoning. – Mm.
– Personally, I think
she looks healthier than you. ( scoffs )
It’s a tie, at best. Hey! Pause on all
the weightlifting. We got a murder here,
you fucking beef slabs! Yeah, you beef slabs. Psst, Vince,
it’s not weightlifting.
It’s CrossFit. It’s interval training,
weights, gymnastics, cardio. They have a different
workout of the day. We call them “wads.” Oh, yeah?
You take a lot of wads? Oh, yeah,
I’ve taken a lot of wads. You ever blow a wad? No, man, come on,
I can achieve multiple
high-quality wads a day. You ever take a wad
on the face? Mm, legs, arms, I don’t think
they have face classes.
That’d be cool, though. Well, by the look
of our girl here, she’s been taking
a workout-of-the-day
every day, so we need to talk
to her instructor. See, I don’t know. Okay, we got
spin class leggings, aerial yoga bra,
crunning croptop. I think we’re dealing
with a class-passer. Tell it to me like I’m new
to the L.A. asshole game. Class-pass.
All right, it’s super
popular in L.A. So, instead of
a gym membership, you pay a flat fee,
and you can access all these specialty
workout studios, like this one,
all over the city. Mm-hmm. Yeah, looks like our girl
dipped a non-slip toe sock into every workout
trend in L.A. So, yeah, I mean,
we could talk to her
CrossFit instructor. But my guess is
she hasn’t been
to this location enough for him to recognize her,
let alone have a motive
to kill her. – ( scoffs )
– Hmm. Hey, protein shake,
tell me something. Who’s the instructor
of the last class? Hey! ( grunts ) Sorry, thank you.
( grunts ) Oh. – ( Vince grunts )
– Oh! Watch out
for rope burn, asshole. ( laughs )
Nice! Whoo! What the fuck
happened to my car? Oh, this guy threw
a cinderblock at it. That’s crazy. – Not cool, dude.
Not cool.
– What? Priya, hey! I heard you got bumped
up to recurring. So cool. You know, I can’t be sure
until I look at your brain, but you sound like
someone with C.T.E. Oh, I wish.
I’m with Gersh. Hey, are you up here
because we’re interrogating that super hot
CrossFit coach? Look, I get it,
he has an eight pack, but it seems a little
gratuitous, don’t you think? ( scoffs )
You asked me to let you know
as soon as I heard something? – Yes.
– Test results are back. Your victim
was definitely poisoned. She’s been ingesting
small amounts of ricin over the course
of three months. Whoa, rice?
I guess carbs do kill. – Ricin is a poison.
– Hmm. Also, looks like whoever
gave her the poison used this water bottle
as a mode of delivery. Ooh, cool color.
Can I have that when
we wrap this episode? That’s not how evidence
works in the slightest. Also, it’s full of poison. Got it, got it.
But, dibs. All right, we got
a few questions for you. Yeah, like,
where’s your shirt? I don’t own a shirt. Well, that’s
the coolest thing
I’ve ever heard. – Hey. No fist bumps
with the suspect.
– Sorry. – Why’d you do it?
– I didn’t do anything. Then why’d
you run from us? I wasn’t running from you.
I was running for class. The city is our gym.
Also the gym is our gym. Hmm, yeah, that checks out. The more you can rub
your fitness in other people’s faces
in Hollywood, the better. Topher Grace once
threw a rooftop party just so his guests
could see him do P90X
on an adjacent rooftop. – Topher’s the best.
– Oh, dude, I love him. Have you seen “BlacKkKlansman”?
He is hilarious in it. And I’m pretty sure
it’s a comedy. We know you’re hiding
something from us, Jax. Look, okay, fine. Oh, God, please
don’t tell anyone. But I quit the kaleo diet. You know,
kale and paleo? I tried, I really did.
But it’s just too hard
to be social with such rigid
dietary restrictions, you know? And they just opened up
a Salt and Straw on my block. This months flavor–
Camembert caramel. What did you do
to Michelle Kim? Michelle? I didn’t
do anything to Michelle. I barely knew her. ( scoffs )
She was a class-passer. And when did she
start taking your class? Three months ago.
I remember because she gave me
my first bad review. You ever seen this before,
Jax? Yeah, that’s
a S’Well knockoff. I had one that color
for my workout S’Well. I have one in marble
for my home S’Well and one with tiny little
people walking on it
for my walking S’Well. And none are off-brand. What about
your car S’Well or your pet S’Well
or your kid S’Well? The more S’Wells,
the more swole.
Everybody knows that. It doesn’t matter
how many S’Wells you have if your throat swelled up
because someone poisons you. Poisoned?
What are you talking about? She started
giving you bad reviews at the exact same time
that she started
getting poisoned. But I’ve been in Wisconsin
training and competing
in the CrossFit Games. The pinnacle of sport?
I’ve been gone for weeks. Check the photos
on my fitness blog
if you don’t believe me. Yeah, no, he’s right.
This does look like Wisconsin. Damn it.
This isn’t our guy. Hey, since you’re not
going to jail for murder, do you think you could
help me beef up for my
“Wakanda Forever” audition? Get me looking
like Michael B. Jordan? – What do you think?
– Michael Cera, maybe. Can you get me
in those pants he wore
in “Superbad,” you got a job. I had the cyber dorks
hack our vic’s class pass. Turns out,
she left bad reviews
for all her instructors. There’s our motive. So now all we gotta do
is figure out which one of these instructors
had access to her water bottle. So, we’re gonna drive
to all those classes,
just you and me? – Alone?
– Yeah, it’s not
a fuckin’ date, Hansen. I’m not taking you
to Makeout Point. Jesus Christ. You make me
want to kill you
sometimes, man. Wish somebody
heard you save that. Okay, I will drive with you,
but I gotta Periscope. Yeah, fans want to be
along for the ride. They love to see
everything I do and anything
that might befall me, so… Well, if you’re gonna
be filming that crap,
just meet me there. You know I hate
being on camera. Great, I’ll grab a scooter.
A Lime or a Bird. Whichever one’s still
in business and relevant
by the time this episode airs. Okay, I’ll meet you
at the first highly
populated location. Bye! She was in class
last week. Hey, Han fam.
If anyone asks,
I was last seen with my partner Vince
at 11:42 A.M. on
Wilshire Boulevard, okay? And if I don’t post again
in the next seven minutes,
per usual, send help. Michelle’s dead?
Wow, I did not see that
coming in my tea leaves. Can we ask you
a few questions about her? Of course, but I have
a class to teach. I mean, you can ask me
questions during class, but if you plan to stay,
you have to participate,
physically and spiritually. Score. We can solve the case
and I can bulk up
for my audition. Hope something goes down
at Equinox soon, right? Yeah, we’re not doing that. Uh-oh, looks like somebody
just added a smash cut
to our workout. See, now, this is how
you investigate a murder. Michelle was
a capable student
with a terrible aura. I used to call her “Death.” And do your students
keep their water in the silks
or next to the silks? Oh, no. I actually prohibit
outside water in my class. Being truly healthy
means achieving the exact
right level of alkalinity, and that’s impossible
with water. I offer a traditional
rice tea. Or La Croix. This is a dead end, man.
I’m going to get the car. Uh, could you say that again
a little louder? My fans like to hear it live. They also like to know
that I’m alive. I don’t give a fuck,
Hansen. Yeah, that’s all right.
I’ll catch up, no worries. I’m really starting
to get the hang
of this anyway, so… Ooh.( music playing )( grunting ) Newbies,
welcome to crunning– the half crawling,
half running workout you’ve always dreamed of. Oh, yeah, man, it feels
crunderful on my glutes. It is the best mash-up
workout out there, though we do not judge
those who fall for palencing– pilates fencing–
or yokour– yoga parkour. Do you have
questions about yokour?
Because get in line, mister. I just want to know
if you’ve ever seen
this person. Oh, I remember her.
After her first class,
she said crunning was “crupid.” Which, I’m guessing
is a mash-up of crazy
and cupid? But she never came back,
so I never got a chance
to clarify. Hey, you.
Yeah, with the hoops. You don’t go crover,
you go crunder. You know, Michelle
never came ba– You know, Michelle
never came– Hey! This is getting us nowhere.
Let’s roll out. Oh, um, I forgot.
I have a parent-teacher
conference with my teacher’s parent. See you at
the next class, huh? Okay, later.( music playing )Come on, people!
Get up that hill! Cycle far away
from anyone at the bottom
who might hold you back or never give you
their approval, even if that’s their job
as a father. – Hey, do you recognize
this girl?
– Should I? The lights are always off.
I wouldn’t even recognize
my dad in this class. Although I did…once. I hate you, Dad. And now I’ll never
have to see you again. Yikes. Feel like somebody
should be investigating that girl and her dad. One case at a time. So, let’s head
to the next– I’m gonna meet you there.
I’m gonna walk. ‘Cause I got
my Fitbit on and– well, I don’t have it on
right now, but I’m gonna
count my own steps and I’ll add it to it later. One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.( music playing )And Rihanna thrust,
Beyoncé drop. Hey, do you recognize
this woman? Oh, yeah,
Michelle, right? Cameron Diaz air flip,
shade, shade, you don’t like ’em. And what’d you think of her? Sort of a Becky
with the good hair type? I mean,
she gave bad reviews,
but, honestly, these classes
have gotten so popular, we need all the
bad reviews we can get. Kick ball team,
snooze like Mick Jagger, Tupac, plus the Thinker. Bad reviews
help regulate demand. I even thanked Michelle
last week. Move. Little pogo stick,
big pogo stick. Sad pogo stick.
We got it, Eddie Murphy
in “Norbit”? All right. Enough of this up
and down shit. We leavin’. No, no, hey,
class is almost over. If we stay, we might get
picked to be put in one of those videos
they put up on YouTube. Dude, dance class videos
rack up crazy views online. You could become
YouTube famous. Like me. We have real
police work to do,
not this bullshit. You coming with me. Oh, yeah.
I’ve got a blister.
It’s a big one. Too much working out, right? Well, I’m gonna head
to Urgent Care. I’ll see you at the station
tomorrow or next week. It takes time to heal– First of all, you don’t
have a blister. Second, I don’t give a shit
if you have a blister. Wait, did you just see that? That girl just put something
in that guy’s drink. Oh, shit,
you might be right. – I’m gonna go check it out.
– No, hold on. You don’t want her
to see you coming, so whatever you do, don’t draw attention
to yourself. Vince, being an actor’s not about seeking
the spotlight. It’s about doing the work.
So if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to work.♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪♪ Baby, baby ♪♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪
– Ha-ha!♪ Push it real good ♪– ♪ Go, baby, pop ♪
– ♪ Yeah, you ♪
♪ Come here, give me a kiss ♪♪ Better make it fast
or else I’m gonna get pissed ♪
♪ Can’t you hear the music
pumping hard ♪
♪ Like I wish you would?
Now push it… ♪
I got you red-handed.
YouTube Red-handed. I mean, YouTube Premium-handed.
Yeah, that doesn’t work anymore. Hey. Excuse me.
Oh, sorry. –( music continues )
– All right. Actor cop coming through.
Oh! Hey!
Chasing after a killer here. Spin me towards the murderer. No, toward.
Excuse me. – Crunning through.
♪ Push it real good ♪– Come on.
♪ Ah, push it ♪♪ Push it good ♪Song’s over.♪ Push it real good ♪What is wrong
with you? I mean, really, there are
only two sacred gym rules. One, if you’re naked,
cover up as quickly
as possible. Unless you’re an old dude
and that’s the way
you were raised. And, two, just as important,
don’t kill other students. I mean, seriously,
don’t you have any love
for the community? I did. But now the studio
is crawling with these
stupid class-passers, and you know what’s worse? They’re the ones who end up
featured in all the videos. I spent years befriending
teachers at the studio, taking multiple classes a week,
getting performatively sweaty. And it was all for nothing. Not for nothing,
you’ll be very happy in prison. All they do there
is work out. Ha. Well, folks, looks like
we got our dance, dance res–– ( music starts )
– ♪ Push it ♪
Can you cut the music
for a minute? Thank you,
I got a killer button. –( music stops )
– Thanks. Well, folks, looks
like we got ourselves
a dance, dance res–– ( music starts )
– ♪ Push it ♪
30 seconds, I swear. –( music stops )
– Thank you. Well, folks, looks like
we got our dance,
dance resolution. –( music starts )
– Oh!♪ Push it good ♪♪ Push it ♪♪ Push it real good ♪( sitcom theme playing )Yeah, I mean, I avoided
being alone with him, but I don’t know
how much longer
I can keep that up. – Okay, Google, lights on.
Sure, turning on the lights.– Oh, my God!
– Hang up the phone. – I–
– Now. Ryan: Nate’s voicemail,
I’m gonna have to call you back. Hey, man. Where are Amy
and the gaybors? They’re gone, Ryan. Oh, my God,
you killed them? What? No. They said they were
going to see “Mary Poppins.” Again? Ugh. I mean, Lin-Manuel
is a genius, I get it, but what does he know
about movies? He called “Hamilton A.V.”
a desecration, whatever that means. Wait, where’s
the studio audience? You don’t want
an audience for this, Ryan. – Sit down.
– Are you sure? I mean, yeah, you can put
in the laughs afterward, but they’re never
as believable. –( canned laughter )
– See? There’s something
I need to do, Ryan. No, that’s the gun in the bag
from the beginning
of the episode. I really
didn’t want to do this, especially not with you,
but I have no choice. All right,
just promise me
you won’t hurt my family. And, please, don’t shoot me
in the face or the hair. No, Ryan, I have no choice
but to tell you the truth. – I’m I.A.
– Wait, what? Like Haley Joel Osment
in that movie that was
supposed to be good but wasn’t? No, you dimwit. I’m I.A., not A.I.
I’m Internal Affairs. I act like a dirty cop
so I can go undercover to catch the real
dirty cops. Whoa. So meta. Love it. Wait, does this mean
you’ve been acting
this whole time? Oh, my gosh!
I have so many questions. Like, um, are you Meisner? How much weight did
you gain for this role? And are you really Australian? I’ve been investigating
your precinct for months. I’m deep undercover,
but I got clearance
to tell you, Ryan, because I know you
ID’d me in Brock’s video outside of
the “Hamilton” afterparty. Yes, I did. They just recovered
this gun. It was used
to shoot Mathers. I had my handler bring
it over to me before
anything could happen to it. Well, you can’t keep it here. We don’t allow guns
or plastic bags
in this house. Look, I was there the night
that Mathers got shot. But I wasn’t
there to shoot her.
I was there to meet her. Some bad shit is going down,
Ryan, man. And there’s something
that you don’t know
about Mathers, something that will
change everything. – She–
– First off,
let me just say, this is the most I’ve ever
listened to a scene partner. Like, really listened,
not just looked at their mouth and waited
for it to stop moving
so I could say my line. You’re really
nailing this reveal. And I want you to finish
what you’re saying,
I really do, but we’re at the end
of an episode right here, so if you can wait,
like, ten seconds, the next episode will
automatically start playing and we can cash in
on those sweet, sweet
retention numbers. Ryan, this is serious. So is this.
Season three could
hang in the balance. So just– shh, shh,
for, like, ten more seconds. – Ry–
– Supercalifragilistic– – Please.
– Up to the rooftop. – Ry–
– Chim-chimeny. – Stop–
– Step in time. – I’m–
– Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I. Ry–( music playing )I can’t believe you showed up
in my workshop to fire me. I’m the best male stripper
slash furniture maker in West Central Florida. And there are plenty
of other strip clubs that would kill
to have me dance for them. I’ll work
for your competition, and like the phoenix
tattooed on my back,
I will rise again. – Cut!
– ( bell rings ) Whoo! Yes! Guess who’s
going to the Emmys. – Great knife work, Angie.
– Mm-hmm. We get it, Greg.
You win at acting. Come on. Greg. Hey, I’ve got some notes. Greg? Holy shit,
I think he’s dead. Medic! We need a set medic here! Right away! A.S.A.P.!( train whistle blaring )Your brains, madam.( man groaning )

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