Studio Vlog | #18 – I’m In Limbo

Hello guys and welcome to my… well, I was
gonna say my first ever studio vlog, this isn’t my first ever studio vlog, but, I stopped
doing them for a while so, yeah. The reason I stopped doing them was because
I favoured my vlogging channel over this channel but I want favour this channel over my vlogging
channel. Do you go up here, no you don’t you don’t
sit anywhere guys. This is the only place you sit. I stopped talking because I put lipstick on
because that’s my priority, anyway. I have been doing this thing called The Miracle
Morning and I wanted to share that guy… looo, I wanted to share that with you. I’ve recorded clips over the last week. My head’s a mess, I need to write more stuff
down. I need separate notebooks for everything. So I’m sorry if this video’s a little bit
parasitic. I am hoping to bring better content, more
useful content to you guys soon. Um, so I am working on it guys. I’m working on my life and this is part of
the miracle morning, I keep on going to say The Mythical Morning but – Oh my god, Oh my
god, I just coughed coffee everywhere, it went like, through my nose, eh. Welcome to the content guys. I’m having trouble recording videos. I have a list of things that I need to get
done, Um, all the way up until December. Not in December but for December. I have a list of videos here that I want to
film I highlighted the ones that I have done, I also want to record certain videos on certain
days that I haven’t done. Don’t know why I am showing you, you can’t
really see it, but, I’ve also sat down and wrote a journal spread here saying get it
together and I’ve split it into sections with video stuff, art stuff, shop stuff, to dos
and goals to work on um, for this like month because my mind is a mess right now. I’m going through this whole thing where I
am trying to make my life better, get up early, do the miracle morning challenge and that’s
all working fine for me but then when it comes to the actual day where I’m supposed to feel
more productive, I’m just like, not being productive. I think that there’s a cause for this. A lot of this things that I’m feeling is to
do with the fact that we have been offered a house, If you don’t know, we had to be moved
out of our private let property and we went on to the homeless list with the council and
we got put into this flat temporarily until they find us a permanent home and we have
been offered a permanent home but we don’t have the keys yet and it’s kinda like I’m
in limbo, there’s boxes everywhere, um, I don’t like this house to film in , like I
hate it, I don’t like the background, I feel like I am being a little bit privileged, like
I have a roof over my head, I have walls I can film I can upload to youtube and I just
don’t know where to start. So today I have finished editing my winsor
and newton review, But I can’t even bring myself to clear my desk and do that, I might
actually do it on the floor, Um, I’m trying to film a miracle morning for a video for
you guys, um, I’m trying to sort out my vlogging channel, I have an idea to do like gift ideas
for artists video, I want to do vlogs, um, I want to do a video called let’s get real
where I go deeply into um, the things in my life that are stopping me from doing art and
doing my business goals and stuff, I also want to do another studio vlog, for this month
and the last video is going to be a December plan with me because I am using my journal
differently now. I recorded several clips that are just not,
coherent, cohesive like they don’t go together, but, they are supposed to be for the same
video. They just don’t make sense. I want to obviously work on art stuff and
shop stuff and like business side of things that aren’t do do with youtube, like selling
prints and making prints, and making stickers and doing art prints that I really enjoy,
that don’t necessarily need to be filmed. I want to open a store. I want to do subtitles for my videos and use
affiliate links more I just want to do a lot of stuff that I feel like I just can’t, I
can’t do it, and it’s fine. It’s probably just pre- when am I gonna move
jitters. Like I should I film it now, should I wait
until we get the new house, but then I need to set it up and then we need to like do a
lot of things. We’re gonna be really busy that I probably
won’t have enough time to film videos and I won’t be able to upload them because we
won’t have the internet for another two weeks so, there’s just a lot of stuff going through
my mind and I felt like I was just not going to do YouTube anymore, no quit it completely
but just take a break and wait but I just decided to just make a video about this because
as you know, my artistic journey as well as my YouTube journey is very raw and bare and
I like to share everything with you guys so that’s what I’m going through just now I’m
just writing countless things, I am even writing more in a different journal, like about my
struggles and stuff and trying to work through what to start on first. I have so much stuff that I want to do that
I just don’t know where to start. So I said to myself that I would just get
my videos done as much as possible but then again I was like, yeah but my set ups not
good so I’ll just wait or put it off. Which is really annoying, plus I’ll talk more
about what’s in my actual journal when I do my December plan with me video, but this is
this week and I did this week last week, like during last week. I planned this week. So I need to stop pre-planning and I’ve even
put a little note here, don’t know if you can see it but it says stop planning ahead
it’s not helpful. It’s not because I plan to do something and
then things change and I’m just like, then I feel guilty that I am not doing these things
but I know that I am going to do them later, so It’s just not helpful. So this is what next week looks like and usually
I would fill this a lot by now but I have left the whole week blank I’ve left monday
blank, I’ve just set up this little picture and a blurb about going on a walk with my
dad and I’ve got te water tracker and that’s all I’ve got for this week and then I went
on to let’s get it together or get it together spread where I tell myself to get it together
because I need to work on things a little bit better than what I have been doing. Every time I do a video I think about the
fact that I need to make a thumbnail and I’m just like I hate thumbnails, I can’t do it,
how do I make thumbnails, like I just can’t everything is getting to me at moment and
a lot of people would say well take a break then, but that’s just not an option for me
because I would feel even worse if I took a break I think. Technically I should take a break and just
work on every thing that I’m working on, Anyway today I am going to do my dishes, maybe I’ll
just do a vlog and put it up. So I’ve decided to get my crap together and
I’m going to pack more stuff, just so that’s out of my mind and that helps me tidy up a
bit so that I don’t have as much crap lying around, and I’m also going to tidy, and clean,
and just get all that out the way and maybe that will clear my mind a little bit and help
me to feel like I want to actually clean, eh, sorry, do art. In the miracle morning, I do a segment of
drawing usually, like yesterday I did watercolour painting, today I did not do it, I just sat
and wrote in my journal here the tripods on top of it, Hi. I sat and wrote a page and a half of just
my thoughts and that kinda did help a bit but at the same time I’m just like complaining
about stuff that I can’t do even though I can do it, I don’t know I’m just hoping that
when we move I can set up a place to kinda record, designated for recording, designate
for just art and obviously have a kind of quick access junk drawer, well not even a
junk drawer but things like, I would put my bullet journal in there, put this pencil case
in there I would put my sketchbook and my most used art supplies in there and just have
them all in there so that I can just open the drawer and get it out and close the drawer
and put everything away and not have everything all spread out on my desk and maybe that would
help. I’ll also get all my furniture back when we
move in so that will be good I miss my desk so much. This desk is useless it’s like. It’s not even a desk, It’s a dining table
but it’s rounded at both sides so it’s like a long oval shape and it just isn’t the best
and also I’m sitting on a seat like a armchair and the armchair is really low compared tot
he table so it just isn’t the most comfortable thing. But yeah, I’m just trying to take it one step
at a time and just power through. So I am uploading my video at the moment and
while that’s uploading, it takes 38 minutes to upload and I’m going to clean this house
and then I’m going to transcribe my video because I used to do that a lot then I started
getting really busy so I didn’t have time but I want to make time for that because I
think that it’s really important to have people that are hard of hearing to be able to watch
my videos as well or even people that are not hard of hearing but can’t understand a
word I’m saying because I’m talking weird. Anyway, um, yeah I’m sorry this is so long
already I think I will just upload this but then what am I gonna use as a thumbnail. No that doesn’t work because I’m not happy
like I don’t know. um, times like these I would just put up a
blank gradient pattern with words on it but I want to get into the whole like making the
videos that I want to make but I need to get through this whole stage of just having all
my stuff in boxes and not being able to grab what I want. The inspiration for video making is there,
but it’s in the back of my mind. The more important thing that I am working
on right now is myself. I’m going to the gym. I#m trying to eat better, I’m losing or trying
to lose weight. I’m just trying to get my business side of
things in order because I’ve been focusing too much on youtube to be honest and the more
I focus on youtube the less I focus on on actually starting like a proper business and
I would rather start my business and then vlog about my business than struggle to get
art videos up and not have a business if that makes sense. So I don’t know, I know a lot of you guys
would be like take a break and to be honest I kinda do want to take a break but at the
same time I’ve got this weird fear about taking a break. Like I’m not scared, like I know that nothing
is going to happen. Like maybe some people will miss the videos
or maybe you’ll forget about me and you won’t come back but that’s fine. My mental health and mind and physical, emotional
state is more important than posting a video every week. But It’s hard to take a break after you have
been doing something for 4 years. Hi guys so I have packed up two boxes here
and I’ve also you know other bits and bobs. I transcribed my Winsor and Newton Professional
watercolour Review video. That’s the first time I’ve transcribed in
a while but I’ve wanted to do that for a while and Um, I’m gonna do the folding of the washing
now. Hi guys it is actually a couple of days later
now and I have tided, like blitzed my whole house, I cleaned it, I tided everything up
I hoovered, I even moved furniture around so my house smells and feels clean and I think
I just needed to do that to kinda of rest my brain a little bit. So I’m excited because I feel a lot better
now and I feel really inspired but I just want to end this vlog just by saying that
I have another vlog coming soon and I want to talk to you guys about what I am going
to be doing to open a business um I am going through quite a lot of tasks to do before
I open and launch it and I want to take you on the journey from the beginning weather
it’s succesful or a failure I just want to share it with you guys to show you what it’s
like. Rather than just waiting until my business
is established and showing you and telling you guys past stories. So, yeah, my kitchens clean, my bathrooms
clean my bedrooms clean my sons bedroom is clean, and the living room is clean, um so
I am going to go and start the other video and edit this one and do some other bits and
bobs before I have to go and pick up my son but I hope that you enjoyed this even though
it was kinda raw and just talking about how rubbish I felt but I think that there is too
much false positivity online and I think that people need to be a little bit more honest
and I want to be one of those people. Also, my hair is kinda fading back into this
rose gold colour and I’m kinda liking it. I used oil on it like shine oil stuff and
it seems to have stripped the hair colour which I wanted it to do a little bit so yeah,
I need to do my eyebrows, any way than’s for watching and I’ll see you in my next video. Bye guys.

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